I’m excited to present this week’s guest: Mark Edelen. Mark is a mechanical engineer and former Dean of the Engineering Department at Howard Community College. I had the fortune of meeting Mark when I was a remarkably awkward freshman in college, and we’ve happily stayed friends ever since! Mark also has older, very smart, very tech-forward children and provides insight into how that factors in.

Enjoy!

Who are you, and what does your family look like?

I am a 45 yr old husband, father, and Christ-follower. My faith is central to my marriage, parenting, and hopefully how I interact with technology. I have been blessed with 19 years of marriage and 5 children, ages 17, 16, 13, 11, and 4 - yes, we had a little COVID surprise! Given the age range of our children, we currently encounter the full spectrum of challenges associated with parenting in general, and certainly with the myriad challenges of technology use.

We live in Columbia, MD, a fairly progressive and ethnically diverse town, in an upper-middle class neighborhood. Our county is politically strongly left-leaning, highly-educated, and high-income. Technology-adoption tends to occur rapidly in our area; it quickly became boring to see Teslas a few years ago, and now we are bored with Cybertrucks.

Professionally, I consider myself both an engineer and educator. I currently work for a defense contractor developing subsea vehicles as a mechanical engineer, but spent 13 years teaching engineering at a local community college. About half of my time at work is currently spent managing and mentoring recent college graduates. I don’t consider myself a “techie,” but generally follow technological trends. I am a huge 3D printing nerd and was very involved in helping my college wrestle with the educational implications of AI when chatGPT appeared.

I have long noticed and objected to some of the emerging downsides of technology - particularly those related to smart phones. In a farewell soapbox speech to a group of peers during my senior year of college, I spoke out against the inexorable tide of cell phone (not even smartphone, yet!) adoption. I was one of the last holdouts in my friend group to get a cell phone (in 2002), as I noticed how immediately it made people less present in social situations. A common mantra from that time in my life was “wherever you are, be all there.” I felt then - and how much MORE now - that our individual devices robbed us collectively of presence and engagement in the here and now of our everyday lives. I might have also infamously referred to cell phones as “the mark of the beast” - which felt like overkill then but almost feels prescient now! Please understand that I now own a smartphone, and have for many years…but I don’t have to like what it does to me!

Walk us through a typical day with technology in your home.

There are really two types of typical days in our home - weekdays and weekends.

On weekdays, we are fairly restrictive when it comes to “screen time”. The younger children (middle school and younger) are only permitted to use laptops or a locked-down shared phone for school work or listening to audio books. They do the latter obsessively, which has actually become a problem. Multiple of our children have taken to listening to audiobooks on 2X to 3X speed for multiple hours per day, if given the option. I can’t decide if that is good or bad for their brains, so we’ve put some limits on playback speed and listening hours per day. Our two high schoolers have more latitude with phone use during the day, but this changed recently when their school (public high school) prohibited phone use for the entire school day. To our delight, our highschoolers now have several hours per day when they get to learn and interact the old fashioned way. This change was LONG overdue, in my opinion, but our county finally got on-board with the regional trend of school systems limiting phone use. After school and through the evenings, we strongly encourage our high schoolers to prioritize family time and academics over phone time. The only devices allowed at bedtime are reading Kindles - we feel strongly about keeping the internet out of bedrooms, especially at night.

On weekends, we are more permissive, but still within limits. All of the children get 1-2 hours per day of entertainment screen time on most weekend days, although that can be modified by travel, company, or our soccer schedule. We try to give equal time to each kid, even in the midst of our complicated overlapping activity schedules. This failed pursuit of equity is a significant source of conflict. There are few injustices as cruel as one sibling feeling that another received an unfair amount of screen time!

Any shared meal times are held sacred - no phone use at the table, no matter how badly you want to read that message or ask chatGPT a burning question. We manage to have dinner together 4-5 nights per week amidst a full schedule of soccer practices and other kid-specific engagements. Holding the line on family dinners together, to the extent possible, is something I would recommend to every parent.

What technology is essential in your home?

This could be a really long answer! Time to bulletize:

Essential Devices:

• Smartphones, for adults and teenagers 14+. This probably goes without saying. My wife and I definitely have a love/hate relationship with our phones. For the teens, it is primarily love.

• Pinwheel phone(s). When our kids first get their own phone around age 13, it is a special “locked down” phone with access to a curated list of safe apps that excludes all social media.

• Kindle readers. To my wife’s credit, everyone in our family loves to read. We love our readers, especially at bedtime and when we travel.

• Chromecast. Do they even make these anymore? We still love ours.

• Skylight. Combination photo-frame, chore-tracker, calendar display, and to-do list tool.

• Microsoft XBox and Nintendo Switch. We do enjoy some gaming, but exclusively on weekends during the school year.

• Custom docking/charging station. At bedtime, all of the devices are stowed in two custom designed and 3D printed stations that are intentionally NOT on the same floor as our bedrooms.

Essential Apps and Services:

• Google Calendar. Ours is an insane seven-colored kaleidoscope that drives everything.

• Google Family Link. This is one of many ways that we manage phone time limits, app limits, content restrictions, etc.

• openDNS. Another layer of protection for monitoring and restricting content for our home Wifi.

• Tether (router mgmt app). Yet another layer of control, allowing us to turn on/off groups of devices and set specific hours/days when our Wifi network is completely disabled.

• Capital One app. We’ve found this to be a pretty efficient way to automate allowance, money transfers, debit cards (for the older kids), etc. Each child has their own “MONEY Teen Checking” account - they don’t actually have to be teenagers.

What technology do you actively avoid or limit?

Long before the advent of smartphones and social media, I was concerned about my own individual susceptibility to technology-based problems. So much so that I made a promise to myself not to play video games at all during my undergraduate years - I ended up keeping that promise for about 3.5 years, and I firmly believe that it made a huge difference in my college experience and possibly saved me from developing an all-consuming gaming addiction. I was not a huge gamer in high school, but mostly because I had healthy limits in place from my parents and simply from living a structured life within a family. I knew that college would afford vastly more freedom, and that I was prone to abusing that freedom to excess in terms of how I spent my time. I still vividly remember some of the other college freshmen in my dorm whose skin turned a sickly shade of white for lack of sun exposure. People would game through the night for weeks on end, skipping class and sleeping during the day. When you give 18 yr old young men unlimited access to broadband internet, for the first time in their lives (at that time, most of us had dial-up at home, at best), you are just asking for trouble. The combination of gaming and porn just ruined people - and that continues today in a largely-silent epidemic that is ravaging young people. I am thankful for the recent work of Haidt (see Anxious Generation) and others in bringing this issue to the forefront of public consciousness.

Fast-forwarding to my marital and parenting years, my wife and I both place different limits on our phone usage. We each limit specific apps and avoid phone use in the bedroom. I quit social media entirely about 5 years ago and don’t miss it one bit. That said, I am fortunate to have a group of about 15 very close male friends - all from college. This group stays connected via Slack. We share a bunch of channels on various topics from theology to sports, and this tight network satisfies much of my day-to-day social connection need.

Our two high-schoolers both have smartphones, so we have four active users plugged into glowing rectangles for multiple hours per day. Both high-schoolers have some limits on overall hours per day, hours in specific apps, and a requirement of parent-approval for all apps. For example, we only recently allowed our 16 yr old daughter to install and use Instagram, but she is still not allowed to use other social media apps like TikTok or Snapchat. Our 17 yr old son gets a bit more latitude in app selection, but we have frequent conversations and spot-checks on both of their “digital well-being” phone menus.

We have tried MANY different strategies to fairly, judiciously limit screen time in our house. I won’t begin to describe all of them in detail. In general, we only allow “for fun” individual screen time on weekends and during school breaks. Each child typically needs to complete chores before they start that time, except in rare circumstances. Family screen time is treated separately, which attempts to signal to our children that we value time spent together…even if that time is spent watching a show or movie. Of all the systems and strategies we’ve tried, I’m confident in the efficacy of one thing: screen time fasts. We don’t do these on a regular schedule, even though that might be a good idea, but we do institute intermittent fasts from screen time. During these fasts, the children go a few weeks without any “for fun” individual screen time. These fasts are typically triggered by the realization, on the part of my wife and I, that the priorities of our children have drifted too far out-of-whack. Since “out-of-whack” is quite imprecise, I will give an example. If we have company over for dinner and a child pulls us aside (or, worse yet, just says it out loud in their hearing) to ask when our guests will leave so they can do screen time, then we know it is time for a fast. Another category of triggers for a fast is seeing in our children a prioritization of screen-based activity over all other forms of leisure or entertainment. If they start wanting to choose screen time over EVERYTHING else, whether that is going on a hike or playing a board game, then we know things need to be rebalanced. Lastly, when we see that our children react with excessive grumbling, complaining, or plain old fit-throwing when screen time is taken away or restricted, it is time to start a fast. Invariably, we find that these fasts of 1-2 months accomplish a remarkable resetting of expectations and priorities. During the fast - as soon as screen time options are taken off the table - the children will return to playing together, creating imaginative games, pulling out board games they had forgotten about, and doing things outside for hours. They return to the childhood I remember! Their behavior also generally improves and attention spans lengthen. I can’t recommend this highly enough to other parents. On average, we probably do fasts like this 2-3 times per year for 3-6 weeks at a time.

How do you handle Social Media?

I addressed much of this above. I consider social media to be, on balance, a social ill. It probably isn’t controversial anymore to say that. The research is in. We know that social media has measurable, substantial negative impacts on mental health - especially in girls. We have a continuous dialogue about this in our home with all of our children. I have often compared it to smoking. Giving my adolescent child a smartphone with unrestricted social media is comparable to handing her a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Both are known to be highly addictive and highly destructive.

We feel so strongly about this that my wife and I recently held a “book club” with our two oldest children (then 15 and 17) to read and discuss Haidt’s Anxious Generation together. Haidt makes a compelling case that social media has a causative relationship with dramatic declines in teen mental health in the past 10-15 years. I didn’t need to be convinced, but this book more than any other gave voice to many of the concerns and positions I already held. Reading it with our children generated some great discussion and gave us a common language for talking about restrictions and rationales. It is not uncommon for me to urge my son or daughter (or wife!) to put away their phone by good-naturedly yelling, “Put away your experience-blocker!” (a term used by Haidt to describe our smartphones). We hope that we are helping them to start independently managing their own usage as they get closer to adulthood.

How do you handle AI?

I recently made a career change from academia back to industry. One of the many reasons for leaving academia was the monumental question of how to deal with AI in education. This is a massive problem - and a problem that most institutions are ill-equipped to deal with. I was one of the leading proponents for discussing AI at my college as soon as chatGPT hit the scene. I led several professional development sessions for both faculty and staff. As a collective, neither faculty nor administration were prepared to thoughtfully re-orient pedagogy and assessment in the face of AI. AI is advancing on many fronts and it seems clear that hardly anyone knows what we are getting ourselves into or how specific industries will be affected. Plenty of folks are trying to guess and project, but we are in uncharted waters. Even comparisons to other transformative technologies have questionable utility. AI could be an order-of-magnitude more transformative, and two orders-of-magnitude faster, than other major technological advances like the printing press, electricity, or the internet.

I am equal parts terrified and amazed. I show both parts to my children, but definitely show a greater share of amazement to the younger children. Most of my children will be AI-natives. I have no idea what that will mean, but AI will be as normal to them as Nintendo or XBox is to me…they will scarcely remember a time when the technology didn’t exist. They will be scoffing at my lack of AI comfort when I hit retirement age, or more likely a couple of years from now. Our oldest child, who is very tech-savvy anyway, has already integrated AI heavily into his daily life, for everything ranging from mundane tasks to software development. My main admonition regarding AI is related to integrity. I want my children to learn to use AI, but want them to be honest about when they use it. If their teacher intends for it to be used, great - I probably won’t challenge that. But if something is meant to be brain-generated, I expect my children to genuinely produce authentic content. With or without AI, I want my children to be honest and commit to not cheating on the schoolwork. AI is a problem in terms of increasing the temptation to cheat, but it is a far greater problem in reducing the need to think. The latter is what really concerns me, and I am just starting to wrestle with what that means for parenting. Thankfully, we do homeschool our youngest three children, so we have a good measure of control over their education and will strive to hold the line on instilling critical thinking.

What surprises you about raising kids in today's digital world? What would you keep and what would you change?

Surprises:

• The extent to which parents will throw their children to the wolves in terms of their access to the online world. How did we get so far off-track as a society before calls for change started to gain momentum?

• The power of tech companies and “news-feed” algorithms in shaping the lives of both young and old. The same parents who wish their children weren’t doom-scrolling barely have the self-control to moderate their own behavior. The endless feed of instant gratification is powerful, and growing more gratifying and attention-holding every day.

• The market saturation of Apple across teens and pre-teens. One study found that 87% of teens own an iPhone. This might be inflated, but even if it is 80%, Apple has a strangle-hold, and our daughter felt the social stigma of having an Android and sending green - gasp - text message bubbles. This is absurd.

• How long it took for school systems to start restricting device usage during the school day. If you cared about learning OR social development, this seemed like an obvious move at least 5 years ago.

• The difficulty in managing technology access for my household. I am a reasonably tech-capable person and an engineer by training, and yet I struggle to set up and maintain the multiple systems it takes to have some measure of protection covering five kids and 10+ devices.

• The addictive power of screens. Psychologists who want to study withdrawal symptoms should visit my house when our 4 yr old returns home from a three days of heavy screen use at his grandparents’ house! Screen-harvested dopamine addiction is as real as any other addiction. On our worst days, parenting sometimes feels very much like managing a bunch of addicts.

What I would keep:

• Being able to communicate with my older kids whenever and wherever they are. It is comforting to know that they can get in touch with us, and vice versa, should an urgent need arise.

• The ability to stay in close touch with geographically distant friends. Our kids have close friends and cousins who live in other states and countries. These friendships are much easier to maintain in today’s world.

• Access to high-quality, often free, educational tools like Khan Academy, certain YouTube channels, etc.

What I would change:

• There is a very long list of things I would change, but there is one that rises to the top, so I will state only that: If I could magically change one thing about raising kids in today’s digital world, I would take access to pornography completely off the table. Pornography exposure and addiction are incredibly damaging to both individuals and society, and I wish so badly that my children could grow up in a world where it wasn’t so easily accessible. The average age of first exposure to pornography is around 12 or 13 years old. To me, this is a tragedy and one of the greatest fears and challenges I face as a parent. I mourn the collective loss of innocence of our society’s children and can scarcely comprehend the cumulative downstream effects on adolescence, dating, marriage, and families.

This week, I’m thrilled to have Dr. Jesse Rhodes. In addition to his extensive academic bonafides, Jesse also happens to be my brother-in-law and one of my favorite conversationalists. Our chats are usually far-reaching and I always end up learning something!

Enjoy!

Who are you, and what does your family look like?

I am a professor at a research university, married, and a father of two teens/tweens. I live in rural Massachusetts, in a university town. Our family, like many, is very busy: two full-time careers; two kids heavily involved in activities, primarily sports; community responsibilities and friends.

Walk us through a typical day with technology in your home.

I am guilty of using my phone to check email and the news in the morning. I am trying to use it less at breakfast, and focus more on talking with Megan and the kids. I don’t use much social media, though will check Instagram and Facebook occasionally, as well as Bluesky. A few friends and I communicate via WhatsApp.

I use Spotify alot when I am commuting or when I work out from home.

I am on a computer for work most of the day. During the academic year I use my laptop for research and teaching, primarily at the office, but also at home on days when I can work from home. During the summer I use the laptop for work, but can take it anywhere (coffeshops and the like).

As a family rule we do not use media at family meals (dinner). I also don’t use tech at home in the evenings, except for the computer when I am really pressed (after the kids go to bed). We will often watch a show together as a family on Netflix or Prime, though. Or Jake and I will watch sports, mostly basketball and soccer.

What technology is essential in your home?

The only technology that is essential for me is my phone and my Macbook Pro. I have a cheapish Samsung Droid, but I use it alot, primarily for text, email, and a few apps (Wodify, for the gym), Spotify). My Macbook is the one piece of tech I would find hard to live without these days. I use it alot for work, and I have come to strongly prefer it to a PC. I have an iPad but I really don’t use it very much.

The kids now each have a smartphone. I have mixed feelings about it. But they need it these days to communicate with friends.

What technology do you actively avoid or limit?

For myself, I actively limit social media. I don’t look at it much, and I don’t post hardly at all. For the family, we have rules about smartphone non-use at meals, out to dinner, on vacations/trips. We also limit what apps the kids can use, and reserve the right to scroll their media (i.e., texts) whenever we want.

We limit television use, as well as other screens (e.g. Jake’s video game playing).

We don’t limit what they listen to on Spotify (we have a shared account). Instead, I talk frankly with them about content to contextualize it and underscore what is socially acceptable.

How do you handle Social Media?

I use Facebook, Instagram, Bluesky, and WhatsApp. Facebook is mostly legacy for my parents, and friends from high school/college. Instagram is for sharing photos, mostly family photos. Bluesky is mostly for professional colleagues/acquaintances. WhatsApp is for a few friends.

I don’t really use social media professionally. I have a LinkedIn account but don’t use it much.

The kids use text messaging, and a few other apps. We keep them off almost all social media for now. I am concerned about social media pressure from their friends and school communities. We are trying to delay for as long as possible, but I am also realistic that once they are in high school it will be hard to continue to put it off.

We talk about social media regularly. We note that it is powerful tool, but also can be dangerous (peer pressure, exclusion) and that content exists forever and can come back to haunt you.

How do you handle AI?

I haven’t gotten too deep into AI at present. I use ChatGPT and/or Claude for work, to help with proofreading and editing, class preparation (quiz question development, course session planning, slides), and some other modest tasks. A task for this summer is to figure out how to integrate AI more into my work.

I sometimes use AI at home - workout plans, recipes, etc. - but actually not as much as one might think. I should probably be using it more.

My kids don’t really use it at all, at this point.

What surprises you about raising kids in today's digital world? What would you keep and what would you change?

I like that it makes so much information available to them. They are able to do research, and learn about things, much more quickly than I could when I was their age.

I don’t like social media much at all. I don’t understand the desire/pressure to constantly present myself in a particular way, and to be continuously surveilled and judged by others.

I also don’t like how easy it is for us to get sucked into our phones. The technology has been designed to retain our attention, distracting us from actual reality. It requires a conscious effort to resist.

I am excited about AI, but also concerned. It is potentially a very powerful tool, but many people, especially young people, may view it as a quick path to credentialing or gaming the system, without actually engaging in learning.

I’m thrilled to have Katherine Martinko for our first interview. I’ve been reading her newsletter for years, and it’s packed with tactical tips alongside a bigger vision of childhood.

We'll be releasing interviews regularly, so please share this with other families navigating technology.. which is pretty much everyone!

Who are you, and what does your family look like?

I’m Katherine. I live in Port Elgin, Ontario, with my husband and three sons, who are 10, 13, and 15. I’m the author of Childhood Unplugged: Practical Advice to Get Kids Off Screens and Find Balance (2023) and a Substack newsletter called The Analog Family, which documents my rather unconventional “digital minimalist” approach to parenting.

I grew up in a remote area of northern Ontario, Canada, with no TV or Internet, and much of my childhood was spent playing outside with siblings. My husband grew up in suburbia with excessive video games and TV, and feels he missed out on childhood. So we decided not to start down that path when we had our own kids, recognizing that it’s always harder to claw back technology than to avoid introducing it in the first place.

I’m not anti-tech. I appreciate the fact that high-speed Internet and a laptop have enabled my entire work-from-home career, and I wouldn’t want to live in a world without it! But I do see it as a powerful tool, not a toy, nor should it be our kids’ primary form of entertainment, so I strive to teach my kids to use it with caution and respect.

I use technology for work, but we have minimal tech for personal purposes. My husband and I each have smartphones, but our kids don’t have smartphones or tablets or video games. There is no TV in our house. We recently got a landline. There is a desktop computer in a common area of our home that the kids use for messaging their friends and doing homework, and my oldest has a laptop that was issued by his public high school.

Walk us through a typical day with technology in your home.

I spend much of my workday on my laptop, in a small accessory building that we built at the back of our property to serve as an office. This creates some nice separation between work and home life, and I try to limit most of my work to that space, leaving my laptop there whenever possible. I start work around 5:30 am, then take a break to see kids during breakfast, before returning to work in my office. I keep my phone on silent all day.

My kids are not on any devices in the mornings. They have breakfast, pack their lunches, practice instruments, do homework, play with their hamster, help with household chores, and then walk themselves to school. When they come home around 3:30, they may spend 1-2 hours doing homework on the desktop computer, but they have chores and sports practices most weeknights that run from dinner time till bedtime. They check iMessage on the computer maybe 1-2x per day to see texts from their friends.

On weekends, they might watch one movie on a laptop using Netflix, more so in the winter than in the summer. They have an old iPhone with Spotify that they use to listen to music when they’re doing dishes in the kitchen or workouts in the garage (but our Wi-Fi doesn’t stretch there, so I know they can only access downloaded playlists).

Downtime is usually spent playing outside, reading books, doing art projects, playing board games, or spending time with friends.

What technology is essential in your home?

Computers are an integral part of our life, necessary for both my job and my husband’s, as well as our sons’ homework and research assignments from school. (I wish technology weren’t as integrated into schoolwork as it is.) Computers are known to be less addictive than touchscreen devices.

They use iMessage (using my Apple ID) to text their friends from the desktop. These messages stay on the computer, while any texts I send from my phone stay on my phone, with no overlap. It’s a good system that lets them have individual and group chats, and receive their fair share of silly memes and videos. They’re still able to connect with their friends, but there’s some friction added to the process; the messages aren’t being carried in their pocket, accessible every minute of the day, so this setup forces them to make plans in advance.

We have a landline that we recently installed, and it’s great. I can call the boys at home when I’m out, and they can make calls to all their friends and to me or their dad. It helps their conversation skills to develop, as well.

I know that some families use parental controls effectively, but that’s not something that ever interested me. It seems like a daunting game of whack-a-mole, trying to stay one step ahead of kids who will always be able to outwit their parents when it comes to the latest apps and platforms! I think it’s best just to avoid devices that are not even necessary to kids’ learning, development, socialization, or well-being.

I accept that I can’t track my kids’ whereabouts or communicate with them when they’re out, but that’s OK. It’s part of growing up, and they need to learn how to be independent, anyway. The important thing is that they know my phone number and can always call or text when needed.

What technology do you actively avoid or limit?

Many! We don’t have a video game console, my kids can’t have smartphones before 16 (at minimum) or social media before 18, and we don’t have a TV. I have spent a lot of time thinking and writing about this, and I am deeply concerned about the opportunity cost that screen time represents for kids’ development.

Of course, there are the primary harms posed by phones, which are problems like negative effects on mental health, chronic distraction, shattered focus, impaired sleep, increased sedentariness, and more, but there are also the secondary harms, which is everything individuals miss out on when they devote so many hours to screens, the loss of control people experience when passive scrolling takes over other more productive or rewarding interests, hobbies, or activities.

Kids desperately need opportunities to play, talk, explore, imagine, create, move, learn, think, and be bored; and if they have access to any kind of devices, it gets in the way of that. It conditions them to want hyperstimulation all the time, and then they’re no longer content just to be in the world. I have actively avoided that with my own kids, instead embracing a very energetic, noisy, chaotic environment at home, but getting in exchange kids who are keenly attuned to the household, have great senses of humour, a good amount of confidence, and impressive practical skills.

I do not limit screen time when they go to friends’ houses; that feels presumptuous. They do binge-watch YouTube and play video games, but then they come home with a sense of relief that we do things differently here. The important goal is to establish a baseline of understanding within them that an offline life is a good one, a valuable one, and that once they eventually own phones and have unlimited access to the Internet (which is inevitable), they’ll recognize what’s important in life and be able to prioritize it themselves. When kids are denied the chance to learn that, I think it creates an enormous amount of difficulty in their lives.

How do you handle Social Media?

No social media for my kids until age 18, so they won’t be on it at all throughout high school. It is important not to let kids use social media until they’ve passed through puberty, at the very least. Social media is known to be most harmful to girls between 11-13 and boys 14-15.

My kids do see reels and posts, of course, on their friends’ phones, and I don’t attempt to limit that; but they cannot have their own profiles. I don’t spend much time actively limiting or blocking or tracking their online searches on our computers, mostly because they don’t spend much time doing it, so I am not all that concerned about what they’re consuming.

I have Instagram, but it is a private account that I periodically deactivate. I find it useful for looking up CrossFit workouts. I post travel and food pictures occasionally, but avoid posting any photos of my kids or husband.

For work, I have LinkedIn and an old Twitter profile. I deleted Facebook last year. Most of my promotional efforts go into my Substack newsletter, which I view as a working portfolio, a far more useful demonstration of what I do than anything I could post on social media.

How do you handle AI?

I talk about it with my kids. They tell me about their teachers’ differing policies on it. Some encourage the use of ChatGPT, others do not. I tell my kids not to use it. I know they’ve been using it in place of search engines, to find answers to questions they’re researching, and I’ve talked to them about the importance of verifying information that comes up. It is an ongoing conversation, and I do need to learn more about it.

What surprises you about raising kids in today's digital world? What would you keep and what would you change?

I am always surprised by how many parents seem to think that device ownership is inevitable for children. It is expected that you’ll buy your toddler an iPad and your preteen a smartphone, and if you don’t, you’re viewed as a weird aberration. I don’t understand this, particularly with the research piling up that these things are not good for your kids!!!!

Similarly, I am baffled by parental reluctance to take a stand against these tools. In some ways it’s hard, yes, but it’s also not that hard—you establish a household norm and then you stick to it. You tell your kid, “This is just what we do here. Yes, we’re different. These are the rules. It’s to keep you safe.” As parents, we decide what’s hard, and I think it’s a far bigger nightmare trying to navigate device safety, cyberbullying, body image issues, violence, and overly mature content than it is just to say no and focus on other, healthier things.

When I talk to my own friends about the horrible things they’ve faced with their own kids’ device use, from extreme social anxiety induced by social media bullying to depression to multiple suicide attempts, I think, “I’d much rather be arguing with my teen about why he can’t have a phone than sitting next to his hospital bed, wondering if he’ll make it.”

I wish more people would say no, would recognize that in doing so they are preserving their child’s chances at having a play-filled childhood and preventing it from being stolen from them by a device. But that requires parents who are willing to examine their own screen-time habits, and possibly have to make some tough decisions about the example they want to set.

Recently, I read Christine Rosen’s wonderful book, The Extinction of Experience, and she talks about how critics accuse her (and writers like me) of unjustified moral panic when it comes to screens. But she points out that, when you consider the research on its effects, we should be in a much bigger panic than we are. This is a BIG deal, and one that should have us parents protesting at full volume.

I have no problem saying no and doing things differently. That’s never been an issue for me. Sometimes I feel bad that my children are the ones who have to carry my unorthodox philosophy out into the world and be different from all their peers, but “fitting in” is not a good enough reason to give them something I know to be bad for them. I was raised in a very unusual way, with a family that was viewed as “weird” by others, but now I look back with tremendous gratitude at my parents’ willingness to do things their own way. It made life far more interesting.

Instead, I focus on trying to fill my kids’ lives with plenty of fun, interesting, compelling experiences so that they have an offline, analog life that fills them with joy, pleasure, and pride. Someday, I hope they will thank me for it.

To other parents, I’d say, “You can say no! It’s never too late to revisit the household rules around tech. You’re not your kid’s friend; you’re their parent. They might say they hate you for taking away their device, but they won’t forever. No one else is coming to save your child from their tech addiction. This is their one and only childhood, so let them enjoy it to the fullest while they can.”

I am cautiously optimistic for the future. I think more parents of young children are delaying access to screens, which is good, but teens are often neglected, despite still being tremendously vulnerable to the negative effects of excessive device use. The well-documented harms are too often overlooked or viewed as less important than “connecting” with friends, even though online connections are much lower quality than in-person, so I do wish parents of older kids would take this issue more seriously. Some older kids are starting to take matters into their own hands, deleting social media and swapping smartphones for basic phones and even accusing their parents of inadequately protecting them when they were young and vulnerable. So who knows, perhaps the tide will change.